While scrolling through my Facebook feed this evening, I ran across a post that really hit close to home. It was someone who had recently ended her relationship with her fiance. It wasn’t so much that she called her engagement off within months of their wedding; it was the link to a post that she put with her public apology.
The link was to a blog post titled “We Only Fall In Love With 3 People In Our Lifetime – Each One For A Specific Reason.” Some of the things that were stated in there were absolutely true! If you don’t follow the link above, please take the time to read the excerpt that I have placed below. It’s seriously worth the time to read it!
“It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be. It’s a love that looks right.
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story-line, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are. We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer. It’s the love that just feels right.
…There may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all. Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones. They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.”
I can safely say, I’ve experienced all three of these. As I was reading, all of these little flashes from my past came back and made me realize that yes, there are lessons to be learned in all sorts of love…and the pain that comes with it.
The one that caught my attention was the second love. Oh, second love. This is where my heart goes out to this young lady who posted her public apology tonight, because at one point, I was in her shoes.
I can’t speak for her relationship, so I won’t. But I will speak for what mine was. It was unhealthy. It was unbalanced. It was narcissistic. It was an emotional rollercoaster. There was manipulation.
Even though it was all these things, I never once viewed myself as a “junkie” that was addicted to it. But in a sense, I guess I was. I had put myself in a position where I had spiraled so far down from where I was, I couldn’t find a way out. My only glimpse of “me” were those extreme highs. But the number of highs slowly started to be out numbered by the extreme lows.
Much like this particular young woman, I was engaged. I was actually a month away from “the big day” when I decided that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was tired of the tears, I was tired of the fights, and I was tired of feeling like I was lost. He is a good person for the right person, he just was not good for me.
But never throughout the process did I ever feel like I owed anyone other than him and my family an explanation. Because in the end, it wasn’t anyone elses life to live… it was mine. And no amount of “I’m sorry for…” was going to soothe the curiosity that pulsed through my social media accounts, job, and friends.
About the time my third love came around, I was sitting in an office chair in a gas station looking at all of the shattered pieces of my heart trying to decide where I was to go now. I let the tears fall and the prayers rise up. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I asked God to just give me a sign that there was someone out there for me. Someone who was going to love me for who I was; broken pieces and all. Love literally knocked on that office door that day.
Even though we both felt it (literally) in that moment, I knew I wasn’t ready and I’m sure he wasn’t ready for me at that time either. But, that was the defining moment that started to made my world spin again. It took a knock on the door, one turned down date, a returned telephone number, and a leap of faith to get us to where we are now: married for almost 2 years, a house, and a baby on the way.
Do I wish that my fairytale would have been much like those stories you hear about high-school sweethearts? No. Because it literally took an experience with each one of those types of love to get me to where I needed to be to begin my relationship with Shane. I’m glad him and I have had the personal struggles we have had and I’m glad that we’ve learned from past experiences.
All in all, it doesn’t matter how you get to your fairytale ending. Let your story write itself. But ladies: please, please, please do not ever feel like you owe anyone an apology for taking steps in a direction that may lead you to your third love. You are stronger than that. You are worth more than that.
You will love again, I promise. That love will be the love that will make you forget all of the hurt, the pain, and the struggles that it took to get you there. But you won’t be able to forget the lessons learned through all of the struggles, hurt, and pain.
Take that leap of faith.
Find that “fairytale” love.
If he left you beaten down and broken, just know there is someone out there who is able to pick you up and put you back together.
I can say that with confidence because: been there, done that.
*Disclaimer: I did get permission from the young lady to include a portion of her story. I would never use someone else’s personal life without their consent. ❤ *